The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW]
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The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW] Posted on: 29.04.2013 by Lilliana Perris My old man is FULL of dirty jokes.We had a BBQ this weekend and he entertained us with endless jokes and limericks. One that I had a good laugh at: There was a man named Dave who fucked a dead dog in a cave I must admit, he was a bit of a shit, but believe of all the money he saved! LOL Any good ones you care to share? I need to up my game with the old man! (he is 72 by the way and still drives a bigass motorcycle....) | |
| Elvera Veliquette 07.06.2013 | Amanda and todd were having problems in there relationship so decided to get help. Counselor- Now Todd, Tell me something posetive and something negative about Amanda's mother. Todd- well she is a great cook, but she is sometimes very racist. Counselor- Tell me an example. Todd- Well last easter, we went shopping and she got in a discussion with a black man. It ended quickly, because the police broke it up. She was later charged with hat crimes. Counselor- Why is that. Todd- She started screaming- ABOUT 100 EARS AGO YOU Couldn't EVEN TALK WITHOUT GETTING WHIPPED 50 times!!! COUNSELOR-know Amanda, tell me something positive about his mother and something negative. Amanda- Well shes like a shotgun. To c***s and she blows. Counselor- And positive? Amanda-She doesn't kill you when she finishes blowing....But she does make you shoot. |
| Dorla Itow 07.06.2013 |
Originally Posted by sarasin
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| Lilliana Perris 07.06.2013 | Nice....this community
needs some lightheartedness...too many badass wannabe's! |
| Rosita Murchie 06.06.2013 | Sarasin the last one was absolutely hilarious..wasn't dirty though but like it very much..all the others were funny as well and enjoyed them all..it is good to have this thread to once in a while relive the tension and play along lightly. |
| Vickey Cheaney 03.06.2013 |
Originally Posted by sarasin
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| Ninfa Larranaga 10.05.2013 | Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." The man broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just bullshittin' with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?" |
| Ngoc Ninow 10.05.2013 | Three old men sat around a table in a nursing home, discussing life, and their respective toilet habits. One of them then asks "If you could have one with, then, what would it be"? The first replies: I'd just like to take one good long shit, and relieve myself properly. At the moment, I sit there for hours, squeezing, straining and pushing and it just hurts. One good shit would be all I asked for. The second replies: I would like to take one good long piss. I stand there, it dribbles, it stings and it hurts like mad. Its torturous. I'd just like to have one good, long, satisfying leak. That would be all I asked for. The third replies: I don't what you are both talking about! Every morning, at at 5.30 sharp, I take a good piss, get it all out of my system, and then at about 5.45, I have a good strong bowel movement, clear out the guts and Im set for the day. My wish would to be to wake up before 6am! |
| Ninfa Larranaga 10.05.2013 | A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is believeing. guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . .THAT 'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people". |
| Lilliana Perris 02.05.2013 | There was a man from Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds Great big tufts of grass grew out of his arse But his balls were covered in weeds The was a man from Boston Who rode around in an Austin There was room for his ass, 2 gallons of gas But his balls hung out, so he lost them There was a man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dalia The colors were bright, the shades all right But the smell of his arse was a failure Thanks DAD! |
| Latoria Kavulich 02.05.2013 | Remind me not to get arrested in Canada, geesh |
| Lilliana Perris 02.05.2013 | These are from a book called Disorder in the Canadian Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I believe I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
| Lilliana Perris 02.05.2013 | Tony and Yvette were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.” Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. “What are the greens fees?,” grumbled Tony.. “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.” Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. “Don't even ask,” said St. Peter to Tony. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.” Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked. “That's the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” ”No gym to work out at?” said Tony “Not unless you want to,” was the answer. “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.” Tony glared at Yvonne and said, “You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!” |
| Lilliana Perris 02.05.2013 | Who's your baby’s Daddy? The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way... Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same evening . 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I believe were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that evening . I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up). 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me. 8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 10. So much about that evening is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1). |
| Latoria Kavulich 01.05.2013 | oh snap! |
| Lilliana Perris 01.05.2013 | HAHAHA....Smooth! |
| Ninfa Larranaga 01.05.2013 | DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER AND A MALE BEER DRINKER: Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day? Man: Yes. Lady Interviewer: How much a day? Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon. Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost? Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli. Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that? Man: 15 years. Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct? Man: Correct. Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct? Man: Correct. Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady Interviewer: No. Man: So where's your Ferrari? |
| Latoria Kavulich 01.05.2013 | oh my .. |
| Ninfa Larranaga 01.05.2013 | Women are the best vehicles in the world because:- ---2 beautiful headlights in the front ---2 great bumpers at the back ---Self -lubrication when hot ---Finger touch ignition ---Automatic engine oil change every month ---Any type of piston fits. ---Multiple seating styles & adjustments ----Great accessories ---Highest mileage 9months with just 5ml refill ---That's why MEN are dying to own one |
| nayit ruiz jaramillo 01.05.2013 | Woman - "men are like handbags. Cheap, full of crap and easily replaced" Man - "women are like condoms. Spend to much time in YOUR wallet and not enough time on your dick" |
| Ethel Feigum 01.05.2013 | A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. Bartender asks him "What's up with the octopus?" He responds "$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it" Bartender says "Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner" The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully. People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease. Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn't play it. The man leans in and says "Come on, play it! you're embarrassing me!" The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!" |
| Charline Dye 30.04.2013 | ^nice 1 bahahaha. |
| Ninfa Larranaga 30.04.2013 | One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?” |
| Lilliana Perris 30.04.2013 | A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner. Catholic: I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank! Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors! Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I will buy Microsoft! They then all wait for the Jew to speak.... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling. -- |
| Kellie Myrum 30.04.2013 | Woman came to the market and got in line with two other women at the counter with cucumbers. The first woman says: "I'll take this long and thin". Another said: "I pack a couple of shorter but thicker if possible". Finally she comes on line shop assistant spoke to her saying: What is that you want mam? "You will give me kilogram of cucumbers please" she said... "Which will it be smaller, bigger, rough, smooth... ?" seller asked... "It does not matter dear I need it for a salad" |
| Ninfa Larranaga 30.04.2013 | One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after much trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you believe he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say, our son-in-law |
| Charline Dye 30.04.2013 | Lol good ones! What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife? The hooker says " faster faster" The girlfriend says " slower slower" The wife says " beige...........I believe I'll paint the ceiling beige" |
| Lilliana Perris 30.04.2013 | ^^ hahahahaha |
| Ninfa Larranaga 30.04.2013 | Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two big guys wearing hoodies arrive. Saint Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t be prejudiced and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!” Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well they’re gone.” “The guys wearing the hoodies?'” asked God. “No. The Pearly Gates” |
| Lilliana Perris 30.04.2013 | HAHAHAHA Nice one VanGogo!!! A man witnessed a rape and was called to testify in court. The Judge asked him, "What did you you see sir?" The man replied, " I stood at the window and looked in m'Lord. They were fucking!" The judge stopped him and reminded him that they were in a court of law and he needed to choose his words more carefully. The man stood and thought for a while and replied: "His shirt was up, his arse was bare. His balls were hanging in the air. He put his u know what into her u know where. Now if that s not fucking m'Lord.... i wasn't there." HAHAHAHAHAHA |
| Latoria Kavulich 30.04.2013 | ^ lol! |
| Charline Dye 30.04.2013 | There was a farmer that needed a new rooster as his old one had passed away. So he goes to a fellow farmer, who said he had a rooster he was willing to sell. As he is buying the rooster, the other farmer tells him the rooster's name is Brewster, and that he had better keep an eye on him. "Why do I need to keep an eye on him?" the farmer asked. "Because he will do it with anything in sight." the other farmer answers. The farmer is a little confused, but decides to take Brewster anyway. Later that morning the farmer hears a wild commotion coming from the chicken pen. He rushes over to see what is going on, and there is Brewster. He has all the hens lined up and is going down the line fornicating like mad. The farmer looks at him and says "Brewster you had better slow down or you are going to kill yourself. As the farmer sits down to lunch, he hears his pigs squealing and making a racket. When he gets to the pig pen, there's Brewster with all the sows lined up going to it. The farmer looks at him and says "Brewster you had better slow down or you are going to kill yourself. In the afternoon, another commotion is heard in the pasture, and sure enough, there's Brewster with the cows lined up just going at it. The farmer looks at him and says "Brewster you had better slow down or you are going to kill yourself. As the sun is starting to set the farmer notices buzzards are circling something in the field. When he goes to investigate, he finds poor Brewster laying motionless in the field. The farmer looks down and says "I told you you would kill yourself if you didn't slow down" Brewster opens one eye and says "Shhh they're about to land" |
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